I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
