I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
