so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
