i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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