dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
