I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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