I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i dont even know how to be here
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
