her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
