Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
