I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
