i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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