I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
