Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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