I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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