I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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