I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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