Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
