If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
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