I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
