I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
