do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
