Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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