No period for spring break; use this wisely.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
