I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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