im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
