Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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