not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We got so high we made milksteak
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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