I skipped work to stalk him.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
