i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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