i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
