You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
