On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
