My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
