My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
