I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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