Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
