meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
