he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize