If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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