I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
