Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
