I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
