Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am spending my child support on dildos
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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