I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i may or may not be watching the land before time
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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