Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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