he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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