I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
