she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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