You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
