omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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