the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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