Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
sarcasm needs its own font
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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