my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
