It's Friday. Sex?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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