I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
