I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize