party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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