Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
