I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
