just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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