Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
