So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
