you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
